The Brain Science Behind Communication

Expecting a dysregulated kid to just "use your words" is about as effective as asking me to finish my reports without giving me 10 cups of coffee. It’s not happening.

When a child is dysregulated, they are not able to access the part of their brain responsible for thinking, language and learning.

So let’s take a quick second and talk brain science. Because once we understand how the brain actually works, we stop expecting kids to do things they physically can’t do when they've reached their breaking point.

The Brain Develops From the Bottom Up (and Inside Out)

The brain isn’t just one big thinking machine—it develops in layers. First comes the brainstem, then the limbic system, and finally, the cortex. Each part has a job:

Brainstem (Survival Mode) – Controls basic functions like breathing, heart rate, and fight-or-flight responses. This is the “I need to feel safe” zone.

Limbic System (Emotions & Connection) – Processes emotions, attachment, and relationships. This is the “I need to feel connected” zone.

Cortex (Thinking, Learning & Language) – The last part to develop, responsible for problem-solving, reasoning, and—yep—communication. This is the “I need to feel regulated” zone.

Regulation First, Communication Second

When a child is dysregulated, they are not operating in their cortex—a.k.a. the part of the brain responsible for language, thinking, and learning. Instead, they’re stuck in survival mode, relying on their brainstem and limbic system to get through the moment.

Translation: They’re not ignoring you. Their brain literally can’t access language yet.

So when we say, “Just use your words!” to a child who is mid-meltdown, we’re essentially asking their offline cortex to do something it’s not wired to do in that moment.

Instead of asking, "Why won’t this child talk?" we should be asking, "Are they regulated enough to access their thinking brain?"

The Power of Perspective Shift

If we can shift our perspective, we can change outcomes. Instead of demanding words from a child who is struggling, we focus on co-regulation first. Safety and connection activate the limbic system, which then allows the cortex to come back online.

So next time you’re tempted to say, "Use your words!"—pause.

Ask yourself: Does this child feel safe? Connected? Regulated? Because regulation is the key to communication—not the other way around.

Once we get that, we stop fighting the brain’s natural development and start working with it instead. And let me tell you—that's where the magic happens.

Want to learn more about supporting kids in ND affirming ways?

Check out the NeuroAffirm Therapy Academy: https://www.sensoryslp.com/neuroaffirm-therapy-academy